She needed me dead

Interview with Francis Rage, a chef of Parisian cuisine. Francis is a ghost and here in Daily Mass he shares secrets of his life and of culinary art.

You are a great artist of cooking, isn't that right?

I cannot say I'm an artist... I don't know. Well, it's true I treat cooking as art.

How long have you held your position of the chef of Parisian cuisine?

Oh, about three hundred years now.

Three hundred years?

Yes.

So this is a permanent position?

Yes, it is a permanent position.

And how long have you been a ghost?

A ghost I've been for 299 years.

Is your position a reason that you died?

Yes.

Could you say more about it?

Well, I was a chosen by a king, who was not a good king, and he ruled for only four years, and he had to choose me, he didn't like me himself. And after less than a year of my work, and it was hard work, I was killed. With poison. At first I didn't know who did it, but after two months fellow ghosts told me it was the king's wife, the queen, who did it.

Do you know of her motive?

Yes, yes, she needed me dead because my dishes made her poisons visible, so she couldn't poison her enemies successfully. She was a horrible murderer of many many people, good and bad.

So nowadays what does your job look like?

Oh, it's very nice. I cook for other ghosts only. Whenever someone new dies, I cook him a grand dinner. And I welcome new ghosts into our society, always.

Do you have any other duties apart from just cooking?

Well, I am a food tester...

Right.

And I also create medicines, which sell very well among ghost society.

Are there any privileges that your position gives you?

Many, many, yes. (smiles)

For example?

For example, ah, I get free clothes, very good clothes, I don't have to buy them, and they are tailormade, and I also am invited into all parties in the world, among the dead, and I'm considered to be an important advisor, in politics especially.

Who do you work with?

Well well, usually by myself, I do everything in the kitchen by myself.

Right, do you also buy ingredients by yourself?

Actually, this is, this is normal in my position to get them for free.

How did you start your career in culinary art?

Mmm, hm, I was born and I knew I have a talent immediately. But when I grew up, times became hard, and criminals started ruling the world, so I wasn't appreciated, I wasn't employed, but I still did manage to get my position in which I am now.

Why did the king have to hire you?

Why did the king have to hire me... Oh. (pauses) I won a competition. He hated it.

Right. Have you always lived in France?

Yes, all my life. But I did travel the world.

Is France a good place to live nowadays?

For a ghost it's very good. The country is beautiful in our dimension. Ghosts live apart from criminals, they don't touch us, they don't interfere, so they cannot spoil our country in our dimension.

I see. What are your favourite dishes?

My favourite dishes! Ah, hm, Polish dumplings, all kinds, I make my own original stuffings...

Like what stuffings?

Hmm, spinach and cotta and mozzarella, that's one stuffing, goat cheese and ham and tomatoes, that's another example.

Very delicious. Any other favourite dishes?

Hmm, I like shrimps, I like to make many things out of them, and also tuna. Frutti di mare dishes are possibly my second favourite alongside dumplings.

Do you also create alcoholic beverages?

Yes, a lot of them! I drink a lot, I am a heavy drinker.

There is much longing for butterbeer among people because of Harry Potter books. How possible is it to have it in our world?

Not so very possible for the living people. You don't have ingredients on your market, and you don't have equipment to brew it.

So what's needed?

You need butter, either classic or tasty, for example cherry taste. And I know you don't have that on your market. Also you need real yeast. Perhaps that's easier to get for you, Arabia and Ireland possibly still have it on the market. There's much more that you need that you don't have.

Right. There is a lot of hunger in the contemporary world, at least in my dimension of the living. Does it influence your cooking?

Very much. I am very sad always. (pauses and sighs) I try to be modest in kitchen nowadays. Out of respect for people.

How do you view the restaurant business of contemporary times?

Hm hm hm, it's horribly ruined by criminals. They steal recipes and change them, they poison customers, they steal from private cooks and frost, and... it will all end, because this is hilarious, the scale of the crimes in restaurants. Especially with poison. Who poisons ends life quickly, and I mean their own life.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

21 October 2020

Interview no. 4